Good Morning, Lauraville!: A Brief History of Cheese

Imagine, if you will, a world without happiness. A world where the sky remains grey and overcast, and where one can barely tell night from day. A world where despots rule, and where each individual is consumed with a tangible hopelessness that permeates one's solemn soul.

Imagine, my friends, a world without cheese.

THE BEGINNING OF CHEESE

I quote from the Bible (Cassiopians 14:1 - 3)[*]:

"For it came to pass that, midway through the fifth day, as sayeth the Lord, that ... Well, it wasn't quite midway. It was more like late morning, I guess, somewhere around 10:45 a.m. or so. In any event, it was after the Lord did the whole creation of animals thing, but at some point before Eve ate the apple, that the Lord created breasts.

"And they were good. And they came in pairs, and that was pretty cool, too.

"But, because they weren't human breasts, they weren't all that good. I mean, they weren't bad -- they could be better -- but remember that it was before Eve, so they were animal breasts. I'm not sure what kind of animal and, given that this was waaaaay before the Internet, I'm not sure it makes a difference as to what kind of animals had breasts. But they were big, luscious animally breasts. And, as I said, they were good.

"And fromst thou luscious animally breasts, sayeth the Lord, cometh milk. And it, too, was good.

"But thy milk spilleth over and, upon thy rock and heated by thy sun, cometh forth cheese. And there was much rejoicing."

THE MIDDLE AGES

By 1407, almost every educated country on the planet had developed its own unique variety of cheese (sorry, Sweden, you didn't develop your own cheese until the 19th century). French cheese ("fromage" or, literally, "from age" referring to the fact that the first French cheeses were found under the armpits of elderly women[**]) was wildly regarded as the world's finest, thus explaining why many French men of the time could be found lovingly stroking the udders of French cattle. At least, I hope that's the reason why French men spent so much time lovingly stroking their cattle.

MODERN TIMES

Today, most grocery stores sell many different types of cheeses which are easily distinguished by their names and by the number of days that they are beyond their "Best If Consumed By" dates. Here is a handy chart to help you with your basic cheese identification skills:

IF A GIVEN CHEESE IS
THIS MANY DAYS BEYOND
ITS "BEST IF CONSUMED BY" DATE .... IT IS CALLED THIS:
1-3 days ................................... American cheese
4-7 days ................................... Cheddar cheese
8-14 days .................................. New York "Hard" Cheddar
15-21 days ................................ Vermont "Aged" Cheddar
22-31 days ................................ Colby
32-90 days ............................... Cheese "Spread"
91-180 days .............................. Processed Cheese Spread
181-365 days ............................. Gouda
1 to 3 years .............................. French Gouda
3 to 7 years .............................. Camembert
7 years to 15 years ...................... Brie
15 years to 75 years ..................... Cream Cheese
More than 75 years ...................... Cottage Cheese

THE FUTURE OF CHEESE

The future of cheese is exciting and unpredictable. Who knows? Maybe we'll discover Space Cheese ... or Undersea Cheese ... or New Jersey "Hard" Cheddar. The only thing for certain is that today's American Cheese will become tomorrow's Cheddar which, eventually, will become the Cottage Cheese eaten by our children's children. And it doesn't get any better than that.

[*]The Book of Cassiopians was officially edited out of the Bible pursuant to the Third Ecumenical Congress in Lourdes, circa 454 A.D. It was a controversial decision, which pissed off a bunch of the priests and cardinals who were in attendance at the Third Ecumenical Congress, although some have subsequently speculated that the priests and cardinals were actually pissed off because the buffet ran out of lamb before noon.

[**]To this day, elderly women in France are regarded as important members of Cheese Society and, as such, the minimum age to be voted French Cheese Queen has been raised to 78.