The Yankees are the Great Satan

In response to one of these blog posts ("Hire me, George Costanza"), Bill R., a friend of mine, sent the following to me in an email: "While you are already a giant in my private Top 10 of Yankee haters, you must know you vaulted 3 spots to #3, in my book."

It was the most flattering thing anybody has said to me in years. Bill, being a lifelong Red Sox fan, takes his Yankee-hating seriously. It wouldn't be overstating the point to say that there is only one sports-related subject that Bill and I cannot discuss civilly; one subject where we not only disagree, but disagree so vehemently that we both recognize the danger in broaching the subject.

I am a Mets fan and the subject, perhaps surprisingly, isn't Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. It is this: who hates the Yankees more: Mets fans or Red Sox fans.

At stake in such a discussion is nothing less than determining who shall rule over the Kingdom of Heaven. It is a given that all Yankee fans, being fucking skumbag Satanic ball-licking weasels, are going straight to Hell when they die. There can be no dispute about that. Nor can it be reasonably or rationally debated that the only litmus test for entry into St. Peter's domain is a lifelong animus toward pinstripes. The only question remaining is which Yankee haters in Heaven will be given the castles and the servants, and which will be working the drive-thrus at Heaven's fast food restaurants.

Let's get the obvious out of the way: in the Great Hall of Heaven, the only folks who are honored by having a seat at the oaken table of Knowledge where all the big decisions are made are Red Sox fans and Mets fans. No other Yankee haters are worthy.

Oriole fans? C'mon. Indians fans -- you're not even in the same division anymore! And you fans of any National League teams not named the New York Metropolitans, well, better get used to asking Heaven's elite if they want fries with their burgers.

(Stop your whining, Dodger fans! You haven't had to share a city with the Yanks in almost 50 years; the Los Angeles Dodgers have managed to play the 'stripes quite respectably, thank you; and if you were a Brooklyn Dodger fan who didn't become a Met fan, you desire to rot in Hell anyway.)

As for deciding the World Series of Yankee hating, here is the evidence:

Red Sox: Babe Ruth, Bucky Dent, Aaron Boone, 87 years of frustration. Still, winning the 2004 World Series and making the Yankees the victim of the single greatest playoff-series collapse in professional sports (Yanks up 3 games to none, one thin strike away from a series sweep, humorously became a 4-3 series win for the Sox in 2004) -- while honorable -- loses you "suffering points" in a big way.

Mets: Having to share a single city with retarded, stinky-breathed drunks who remind you, on a daily basis, how the Yankees have won 26 World Championships, more than any other team in sports history. Blah, blah, blah. And then the one time the Yanks and Mets met in the WS (2000), the Yanks smoked 'em. Fuck the Yankees! Fuck their fans! I'm gettting pissed off even thinking about it.

Winner: Mets fans. The rest of you can just fuck off.

And, to be perfectly honest, isn't being able to tell everybody else to fuck off and go to Hell really what Heaven is all about?

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