Women Are Not Funny

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel." - Homer Simpson

And so that brings us to today's insight: WOMEN ARE NOT FUNNY.

For the people who know, accept and respect this Obvious Truth, you may skip down to paragraph 3 ("WHY DON'T WOMEN APPRECIATE HUMOR?"). For the rest of you, I can offer ample proof.

PROOF #1. Margaret Cho is a woman. There is nothing, living or dead, that is less funny than Margaret Cho. Even Mother Angelica, the 385-year-old nun who hosts "Why Your Soul Will Suffer Everlasting Torture" on the religious network EWTN, is funnier than Margaret Cho. Even Mormons are funnier than Margaret Cho. If there was such a thing as Funny Mountain, where the exalted Ruler of All Humor reigned from its apex and the rest of humanity resided at the altitude commensurate with their internal funniness, Margaret Cho's domicile would be two levels below the Mole People.

PROOF #2. Homer Simpson is a man. There is nothing, living or dead, that is funnier than Homer Simpson.

PROOF #3. ALLFUNNYQUOTES.COM. This website is universally accepted as the Ultimate Arbiter of Knowledge and Truth; I know this for certain because, on the day that I visited the site, the front page had a banner ad for Hooters.

In any event, AllFunnyQuotes lists the 10 funniest quotes ever. Of these, 8 were spoken by men; the other two were spoken by women about men.

PROOF #4. About three years ago or so, one of my female friends compiled data in response to this question: what are your favorite movies? She eventually discussed the results of that poll here: The Marriage Files.

I reprint, without her permission (she'd only deny me permission, so why bother asking?), part of her analysis:

"[A]bout half of the men ... name[d] either The Godfather or Apocalypse Now. ... Running a close third was The Matrix[.] ... After the three front-runners came a whole spate of titles so interchangeable I awarded them all collectively fourth place. Their common theme will be clear to the astute reader: Animal House, Month Python and the Holy Grail, Airplane!, Weekend at Bernie's, This Is Spinal Tap, Caddyshack, et al.

"The list of movies the women came up with couldn't be more different. ... The women said Little Big Man, The Wind and the Lion, Fisher King, Singin' in the Rain, Gone With the Wind, The Age of Innocence, and The Wizard of Oz, to name a few. ...

"When I shared my poll results with one of the guys whose film preferences I'd canvassed, I couldn't help but mention that it appeared as if men had a perturbing taste for extreme violence and boorish inanity. He wrote back, 'Did I mention that Dr. Strangelove is near the top of my list? And that's kind of cool, because it encompasses both idiocy AND Armageddon. Where's the popcorn?'

"He also said, 'Here's what I notice about the results: Men prefer funny. Women do not prefer funny. In fact, for women, the absence of funny is striking.' Hmm, I thought as I read this, he's got a point."

(It is mere coincidence that the guy quoted -- i.e., the insightful individual responsible for noting that women do not prefer funny -- was yours truly.)

PROOF #5. Margaret Cho. She is so unfunny, she must be counted at least twice.

And this brings us to PARAGRAPH 3. (I never said that men were good at math.) WHY DON'T WOMEN APPRECIATE HUMOR?

One theory I've heard: Women are wired for childbirth and there is nothing funny about childbirth. While I disagree with the conclusion (c'mon now: who amongst us hasn't laughed at a live Internet birthCam at least once?), the theory bears consideration.

Of course, we all know many women who have never had children who also aren't funny, which would suggest that humorlessness is really woven deep into the womanly DNA, passed on from generation to generation. Perhaps its original source was Eve who, a bit pissed off about the whole Adam/apple/snake thing, decided that she'd replace the female funny bone with a perpetual case of PMS.

Another theory for female humorlessness that I've heard is this: Women are born with a sense of humor, but that male-dominated society beats it out of them one woman at a time. This theory cannot possibly be accurate, however, because even when women grow up in FEMALE-dominated societies, such as some African tribes or certain parts of lower Manhattan, they still lack the capacity to be funny.

Finally, I need to point out that, just like two brown-eyed people can occasionally give birth to a blue-eyed child ... or just like two kangaroos can occasionally give birth to a flying hippopotamus-thing ... it is also true that there is that rare woman who defies logic and genetics by displaying a sense for funny.

And if you happen to find that one woman in a million who lists among her favorite movies, say, Porky's 3, I have one bit of advice for you: ask her whether she always looks that way or did she just come out of detox. Women with senses of humor love it when you goof on how they look.

And after you follow the advice in the immediately preceding paragraph, I also suggest that you run like hell.

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